I don’t recommend shutting off your brain but the past two days I’ve been obsessing over new music and enjoying the beautiful weather in San Francisco. Today I turned my brain back on just in time to start my new job tomorrow, and let introspective Rachel do her thing. You see the past three months I’ve learned a number of things about myself and have begun taking the steps to address them and either work through them to change myself or find ways to use them more effectively. That’s why right now it’s so hard to see a good friend of mine go through a situation similar to mine.
Five months ago I was so scared about the future and who I was as a professional. I spent my entire life with lofty goals and aspirations. That’s not something I regret but it was the inability to forgive myself when I hadn’t met those goals. No matter what my friends and family said to me, they couldn’t get through that my job was not the Rachel they saw. I couldn’t see this person they saw. I saw failure. Now I understand how much I needed to learn about myself. Looking at my friend in his situation now, I see myself in him, and understand how hard it was for anyone to talk to me.
He can’t see the opportunities in front of him and can only focus on this current situation. He is driving himself mad by the attention to detail he is placing on his sole position. I understand. I think a lot of us are there or have been there. When you’re working and you fear that your job is on the line — economy or not — the helplessness if overwhelming and the what ifs take over. I thought this was my life aspiration. What if I was wrong? What if I never get to work in this industry again? I want to shake him and wake him up. But instead I’m on the sidelines watching it happen. When he calls to ask me my opinion, I know he’s not really listening. It’s not his fault. He was where I was — where the sidewalk ends. Right now I listen and do my best to be a good friend. Watching him makes me realize how much I needed to change and how much more change I still need to do.
I’m excited to start tomorrow. Change is not good or bad — it’s just change and I’m ready for it. I may not be unemployed anymore but that just means my French lesson are shorter.
