I was afraid to write this blog post. I’ve been afraid all night and not looking forward to it. I’ve been big on looking at my fears straight on and overcoming them. I went to be last night not wanting to overcome anything. I could blame it on the milkshake I had with dinner that had my stomach upset for most of the night — I hate milk and it is not my friend — but I know that’s only partly the truth.
I was afraid to write this post because I failed myself. My time at my start-up has ended. It wasn’t anything I could have controlled or done better.
I admit it. I judged myself when it happened — openly and cruelly. I judge myself the hardest because I don’t want to let anyone make me feel worthless. It started as a self-esteem mechanism. If I could crack the joke, or make the snide remark about myself, it would hurt less than if it came from someone else. It’s become so ingrained in my psyche now that no matter what I do, it’s not good enough, and that’s my current struggle. I now I promised grand traditions of deciphering deadlines but I think it’s time in my life to stop the self-judgment. I just need to figure out what I do best and find a job that fits.
Life is about the ultimate tests — how are you going to handle the situation and make it on the other side? Yes, you can be negative, you can be pessimistic but that’s not what I’m about. I don’t want premature wrinkles. I can’t afford BOTOX yet. This isn’t my final countdown. My lessons weren’t done yet. Guess it’s back to WWZMD? He’d prove there is no shame and he’d get back out there just as strong as before.
