After an unfortunate night with a friend’s Wii game, and by unfortunate I mean it told me I was out of shape — a sad fact I knew but did not want to admit, nor did I want a computerized video game to remind me of — I woke up this morning to run. It felt great.
Last night was one of those tribbles-of-terror-kind-of-nights where I laid awake thinking about all the what ifs –what if I can’t pay my bills, what if my cats go hungry, what if I end up living in Dolores Park — it just didn’t stop. Every time I think I’ve evolved past the human insecurity of being over emotional, I am happily reminded that no, I am still human and full of emotion and prone to being over dramatic. Lucky for me, I usually keep it in my head. Yay for emotional blocking! Judge me, openly, I dare you.
I knew last night – somewhere deep down — that I was going to survive. Life happens. I had to deal with it. So this morning I woke up in my running clothes and took off. First to prove to Wii Fit that I was not as out of shape as said I was — hello, I’m 27 don’t tell me I’m 43 — and second to clear my head.
Every time I take a hiatus from running and start again, I have that notion of wanting to run forever. It’s not in the sense that I want to escape, but more the high and feeling of being unstoppable. It was early last night when I was thinking about my run this morning that it hit me. I start a lot of things but I don’t finish them. Call it boredom or lack of consistency but even when I like something — like running — I end up stopping for months at a time. Maybe this second round of employment is here to teach me a lesson. One that I hadn’t fully learned yet — how to see things through and complete them. It’s not to say that every goal or achievement I start will have an end. But I owe it to myself to see things through.
Life happens and some goals you realize aren’t achievable, and that’s ok. What isn’t ok is letting my self slip. It helps that today was bright and shiny and that I was on a mission to prove a video game wrong — I am in shape thank you very much — but I still have this nagging feeling that I’m not done learning all I can about life in unemployment. Sure, I want a job. I want to be successful but I also want to use this time to force myself to analyize who I am, who I want to be and how I can be that person — running shoes, PHP books and French lessons. Things are starting to get clearer. It’s just up to me to keep it up. Day one: one run down. Tomorrow is another day.
