Oh Robin Williams how right you were when you spoke to me — through the VCR of course — about opportunity and life and seizing the day. I always wanted an opportunity to throw caution to the wind and seize the moment, but I am horrible at it. My mind always races ahead. Minutes, days, years — I’m always removed from the situation. I’ll be honest, kids, I don’t like living in the moment. It scares me. I’m much better when I can think things out before hand. It protects me and keeps me safe. This is one lesson I’ve avoided during my unemployment — dealing with the real moment. You know, the one that’s happening now.
I am the type of person that won’t talk about a problem until I have thought about it, come to terms with it and made several plans of attack. From there, I’m golden and ready to sit down and unemotionally deal with it. I can’t do that with unemployment. It’s a horrible and mentally draining relationship. At times, he’s brilliant and kind and allows me to be creative and spread my wings, but then he’s also cold, stingy and reminds me how worthless I am.
So now I’m unemployed, again. Life keeps forcing me to live in the moment and I keep shrinking back to looking at the future, and the past. I’ve decided to put the job hunt on hold — not for long so need to openly judge me yet — and go on a road trip across the U.S.
Monday, I’ll be helping my friend drive from San Francisco to Chicago before she moves out of the country. I’m excited. First of all it will be the first time I’ll be away from my computer for an extended period of time. I can’t help it , what can I say? It’s a parasitic kind of love. Secondly, and most importantly, it will give me time to live in the moment and think. I know what you’re thinking that the last thing I need is more moments to think, but really it’s about seeing the larger picture and putting my life into perspective. I’m looking forward to the open road and also to the music guiding our way. I have the reins on our trip. I’m already planning the published unemployment soundtrack. First track? Ryan Adams’ Fix It. Take that Mr. Unemployment, you better send me my EDD check while I’m gone.
